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Them Or Us (The Book) Zappa, Frank.
Barfko Swill, Los Angeles
Pages: 351
Language: English Category: By


From: (WygiWys007)
  "Them or Us [the book]" by Frank Zappa, contains the lyrics to "Flam Bay," "Spider of Destiny" and "Time is Money," (from Sleep Dirt) These were all part of the (unproduced) Hunchentoot stage play.

From: (Eddie G.)
  The book is written in quasi-screenplay style and contains tons of conceptual continuity stuff. It is partly narrated by Francesco Zappa, that obscure 18th century Italian composer, who in the book is now a short, paunchy man in his 50's living in New Jersey. I would have to say that the book is for fan's of Frank's work and it is those people who would find it hysterically funny. Here is the forward, perhaps it can give you some insight:
  "This cheesy little home-made book was prepared for the amusement of people who already enjoy Zappa music. It is not for intellectuals or other dead people. It is designed to answer one of the more troubling questions related to conceptual continuity: 'How do all of these things that don't have anything to do with each other fit together, forming a larger absurdity?' Your enjoyment of the contents could be anhanced by hearing some of the music described in the text. The albums shown on the back cover contain some of these songs. Other songs derive from 'Joe's Garage' and "Ship Arriving Too Late To Save A Drowning Witch'.
  This is a story book. It is not a rock & roll biography. This is the only REAL & OFFICIAL FRANK ZAPPA BOOK. All other books attempting to trade on my name are unauthorized and full of misinformation. This book is dedicated to all of the fans who have made the last 20 years of large-scale absurdities possible.
  This book used to be called 'Christmas In New Jersey'." So there you have it, I don't know if this helps any or not, I can only strongly urge you to acquire this book, as it is one of my all-time favorite pieces of literature. The album covers on the back of the book are: "Francesco Zappa", "Them Or Us", "Thing-Fish", and "Old Masters". The front cover is that photo from "True Glove" with the maestro and his oven mitten.

From: (Stan Ivester)
  I see the book as kind of a depository for a number of screenplays and theater pieces that Frank was never able to get produced--elements of Thing Fish, Hunchentoot, and a bunch of other stuff all seem to have been worked together into one giant thing that's impossible to categorize.

From: Charles Ulrich <>
  Barfko-Swill shipped me this book a mere two months after I ordered it. So I thought I'd let you all know what's in it. It's over 350 pages long, though that's with very wide margins. It's reproduced from a dot-matrix computer print-out. (Well, what kind of printer did YOU own in 1984?)
  Them Or Us (The Book) is in the form of a screenplay. It incorporates the lyrics to "Once Upon a Time"/"Sofa"/ etc., "Billy the Mountain" & "Greggery Peccary", Joe's Garage (through "Keep It Greasey"), "Baby Take Your Teeth Out", "Valley Girl", "Cocaine Decisions", "Debra Kadabra", "Let Me Take You to the Beach", Hunchentoot, and Thing-Fish. These are tied together with one or more screenplays, all woven into one giant conceptual continuity.
  The stories include the adventures of Francesco Zappa in the eighteenth and twentieth centuries, an invention that exploits the non-existence of time to bring the dead back to life, Billy Sweeney's trip to the moon, and the production of the Valley Girl movie by a bunch of coke fiends.
  In addition to "Time Is Money", "Think It Over" (="Grand Wazoo"), "Flambay", "Spider of Destiny", "Planet of My Dreams", and "Cheepnis", Hunchentoot includes songs that may or may not be titled "The Human Mind Is the Ultimate Power", "We Are the Force-Lings","Hunchentootin' Blues", and "Spider Lady".

From: Patrick Neve <>
 I think this may have originated from a Bil Hansen but i'm not sure. I believe it is.

A Table of Contents for _Them or Us [The Book]_

Not nice formatting right now, just clumsy quick one

Item Page


Chapter 1 2
Francesco Zappa: String Trio Opus I, #1, 1st movement 3
Francesco Zappa: String Trio Opus I, #1, 2nd movement 12
Sofa 27

Chapter 2 33
Billy the Mountain 34
Interlude: The Adventures of Greggery Peccary 43
Billy the Mountain (resumed) 51

Chapter 3 58
Joe's Garage Act 1 Libretto 70

Scene 1 70
Entrance of the Central Scrutinizer 70
The Central Scrutinizer 70

Scene 2 71
Joe's Garage 72

Scene 3 75
Catholic Girls 76

Scene 4 79
Crew Slut 79

Scene 5 83
The Wet T-Shirt Contest 83

Scene 6 86
Toad-O Line 86

Scene 7 87
Why Does It Hurt When I Pee 87

Scene 8 88
Lucille Has Messed My Mind Up 88

Joes Garage Act 2 90
A Token of My Extreme 90
Stick It Out 95
Sy Borg 98

Chapter 4 105
Dong Work for Yuda 107
Keep It Greasy 111

Chapter 5 123
Baby Take Your Teeth Out 142
Valley Girl 144
Cocaine Decisions 147

Chapter 6 150
Debra Kadabra 152
Lemme Take You to the Beach 159
?The Aesthetic Litany? 175

Chapter 7 180
Hutchentoot Act 1
Time is Money 189
? 197
Think it Over 203
Hutchentoot Blues 204
? 207

Chapter 8 212
? 214
?Flambay? 216
?Spider of Destiny? 224
Think it Over 228
Planet of My Dreams 234
Cheepnis 248

Chapter 9 252
Thingfish libretto 259
Prologue 260
The Mammy Nuns 263
Harry & Rhonda 268
Galoot Up-Date 271
The 'Torchum' Never Stops 276
That Evil Prince 281
You Are What You Is 283
Mudd Club 294

Chapter 10 300
The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing 301
Clowns on Velvet 304
Harry-as-a-Boy 305
He's So Gay 308
Artificial Rhonda 314

Chapter 11 316
The Crab-Grass Baby 317
The White Boy Troubles 319
No Not Now 321
Briefcase Boogie 332
Brown Moses 338
Wistful Wit a Fistful 339
Drop Dead 341
Won Ton On 346

 And also

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