Appendix
Them Or Us (The Book) version Hunchentoot story
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SLEEP DIRT Appendix Them Or Us (The Book) version Hunchentoot story |
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This is Them Or Us (The Book) version of the HUNCHENTOOT |
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| comedie as have been typed by my own fingers (eight of 'em was used:-)) January, 1998. Peculiar format of original preserved. (C) Frank Zappa, 1984. | ||
| pp.184 - 253. | ||
Off to one side of the Death
Chamber there is an iron gate.
Behind it lurks THE HIDEOUS
BEAST FROM THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
WAREHOUSE, dangling dangerously
on the end of his visible nylon
string. fake dust sifting down
from his ridiculous papier-
mache mandibles. He dreams of
being IMPORTANT ENOUGH to have
a guy like ALMOST CARL SAGAN
tell HIS side of the story.
-------------------------------------------
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER,
WEARING A HAWAIIAN SHIRT AND
FOUR PAIRS OF SUN-GLASSES.
We see him flat on his back,
with his legs up in the air,
watching a somewhat abstracted
'Sci-Fi Musical', STARRING AN
IDEALIZED VERSION OF HIMSELF.
FROM THE SPEAKER IN HIS TINY TV
WE HEAR THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE
OF `NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN'.
[He sort-of looks like 'ALMOST
CARL SAGAN', . . . the way the
PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER might
imagine him . . . en enormous
lumpy head with eight eyes (in
all the wrong places), extra
arms and legs of various sizes
sticking out all over his body,
dressed in the same Hawaiian
leisure-wear preferred by all
off-duty papier-mache spiders.]
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"There has been a certain amount of
scientific speculations recently regarding
the possibility that . . . CIVILIZATION
(as WE know it) is, perhaps, NOT THE
FIRST `Pinnacle of Evolutionary
Achievement' to be witnessed on the face
of our delightful little planet."
-------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
PLANET EARTH. OUTER-SPACE
P.O.V., WITH NUCLEAR EXPLOSIONS
VISIBLE THROUGH A TOTALLY
POLLUTED ATMOSPHERE.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"In layman's terms, then: PERHAPS IT HAS
ALL HAPPENED BEFORE . . . perhaps it has
all happened SEVERAL times before . . .
(not exactly the same as NOW, of course),
but it must certainly COULD have
happened, and, if by some chance it
DIDN'T HAPPEN ALREADY, mathematics
assures us that the odds are at least
50/50 the SOMETHING is bound to happen
sooner or later!"
-------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
SIMPLISTIC ANIMATION OF AN
APPLE PIE, CUT IN SEGMENTS WITH
MATHEMATICAL EQUATIONS EXPLAIN-
ING THEN
-------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
MATTE SHOT OF FUTURISTIC
SKYLINE.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"Therefore, it should be apparent to even
the dullest among you, that there is a
DISTINCT POSSIBILITY that some form of
highly-evolved, technologically-
sophisticated `UNKNOWN CIVILIZATION' has
already GROWN UP, FLOURISHED and finally
STRANGLED on its own waste products RIGHT
THERE, BENEATH YOUR VERY SEATS!
-------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
SIMPLISTIC ANIMATION OF A CLOCK
WITH ITS HANDS TWIRLING AROUND
TOO FAST, SUPERIMPOSED ON AN
E.C.U. OF ALLAN WITH CLOWN
HAIR. ADVERTISING A BOX OF
POPCORN. IN THE STYLE OF THOSE
INTERMISSIONS `SNACK BAR
COMMERCIALS' USED IN DRIVE-IN
THEATERS.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
". . . . which reminds me of a little
story! ONCE UPON A TIME, during some
`EQUIVALENT Time-Cycle' in some `EQUIVA-
LENT Civilization', there did occur on
the `EQUIVALENT Earth' (and in the `EQUI-
VALENT Void' surrounding it), a most
peculiar situation, wherein a mysterious,
and, as yet, un-named sizable chunk of
Celestial Debris . . . "
-------------------------------------------
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
DISTANT VIEW OF CELESTIAL
DEBRIS, SLOWLY ZOOMING IN.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
". . . populated by a tall, nasty lady
known as DRAKMA (Queen of Cosmic Greed),
and her miserable, deformed lover, HUN-
CHENTOOT (The Giant Spider) served as a
base of operations for a sinister and
barely comprehensible plot to gain con-
trol of Terrestrial Affairs."
-------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
DISTANT VIEW OF `EQUIVALENT
EARTH', SLOWLY ZOOMING IN
"The `EQUIVALENT EARTH', endangered by
the above-mentioned intrigue was a lush,
watery-green elliptoid, dangling, as per
usual, on the fringe of its little imag-
inary Orbital Merry-Go-Round Apparatus,
which, if viewed from a distance of not
less than 300,000 miles, gave the illu-
sion of being EXACTLY the same planet we
reside on today."
-------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
MOLDS AND FUNGI SWARMING OVER
MOUNDS OF DEAD TOASTERS. RE-
FRIGERATORS AND TV'S IN A VAST
LANDSCAPE OF INFINITE ASPHALT.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"However, upon closer inspectation,
the more observant members of our audience
should easily recognize that the
`LUSHNESS' was merely the result of some
FASCINATING FUNGUS, feeding over the
piles of discarded appliances, swooning
under the sulphurous sky, surrounded by
pools of ghastly froth, gurgling from the
HORRIBLE BLACK TUBES of the GENETIC ERROR
TANKS, tucked away behind each
community's `Child-Rearing Center'."
-------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
GLEAMING FRONT VIEW OF AN
`EQUIVALENT MAC DONALDS', (WITH
A LARGE SIGN ADVERTISING
`McPELLETS'), AS IF IT WERE THE
`CHILD-REARING CENTER'.
-------------------------------------------
DISOLVE TO:
`EQUIVALENT MACDONALDS' REAR
VIEW, SHOWING BLACK TUBES WITH
GURGLING SPEW.
-------------------------------------------
RIPPLE DISOLVE TO:
THE UNKNOWN SIZEABLE CHUNK OF
CELESTIAL DEBRIS.
DRAKMA reclines on the immense
SOFA.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"And thus, from her grotesquely-tufted
maroon SOFA, not far from a pinky bullet-
shaped object that MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be
A hair dryer, the sinister DRAKMA surveys
the Pageant of Human Folly. amused by the
imaged on her enormous viewing screen."
-------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
M.C.U. DRAKMA,SINGING TO
HERSELF AS SHE MANIPULATES THE
DIALS OF HER INCREDIBLY FRAUDU-
LENT VIDEO-CONTROLLER.
DRAKMA:
[singing]
Time is money...
But Space is a long, long time!
Perhaps you are surprised
To see I speak your language?
But I have been monitoring
Your Earthly broadcasts for
Many years...
Many years...
And the reception on my little
planet
Is extremely fine!
[She lounges flamboyantly
across the SOFA]
Time is money...
Space is a long, long time!
On my lonely throne
In the cosmic night I ponder
the vast expanses
Between your puny world and
mine!
From my Couch-In-The-Sky,
As my planet goes by,
I behold all your misery below
there!
I have seen all your lying,
And crying, and dying,
And, believe me,
Your planet is NOWHERE!
[She rises from the SOFA to a
sitting position on the arm.]
SPACE is a VERY LONG TIME!
(And if the equation,
As set forth above,
Is PROVED when we get to
The BOTTOM LINE...
The 'Powers Financial'
I'll hold o'er your world
Will complete my fantastic
design!)
And the whole 'EQUIVALENT EARTH' SHALL BE MINE!
SHALL BE MINE!
And the whole 'EQUIVALENT EARTH' SHALL BE MINE!
SHALL BE MINE!
And the whole 'EQUIVALENT EARTH' SHALL BE MINE!
SHALL BE MINE!
[She grabs her `Space-Zither'
and strums horrible chords on
it between each of the closing
lines . . . ]
MINE!
MINE!
HUNCHENTOOT lumbers out of his
fake cave in response to the
strum of DRAKMA's `Space-
Zither'. She collars him, fon-
dling his extra little spring-
loaded leglets, and says:
DRAKMA:
"Let's face it, HUNCHENTOOT, life on that
planet is NO PICNIC! Now, I might be
SINISTER, and I might be GREEDY . . . BUT
. . . I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER to the
helpless wretches of `EQUIVALENT EARTH'!
Because, you seem HUNCHENTOOT, I am not
merely DRAKMA (Queen of Cosmic Greed)!
No, no, no! I AM A WOMAN! A very PAS-
SIONATE WOMAN!"
[She Reaches for his Giant
Spider reproductive organ ...]
"You know how HOT I am, DON'T YOU, Big
Boy! The people on that silly planet
NEED ME! Their planet is a MESS Because
of EARTHLY GREED . . . and, as I'm sure
you know, EARTHLY GREED is INCOMPETENT
GREED! EARTHLY GREED is AMATEUR GREED!
EARTHLY GREED is NOTHING compared to
COSMIC GREED!"
[working herself into a frenzy,
still groping toward HUNCHEN-
TOOT'S dingus.]
"This stupid little world down there
THRIVES on nothing but GREED! It is
NOURISHED by GREED! Why, without GREED
to sustain it, The Earth wouldn't be
worth a HUNCH ... Or a TOOT!"
[She finally succeeds in
locating a coiled wire `SLINKY'
covered with black fur,
unleashing it across the floor
with a loud "SPROING!"]
"Therefore, my darling, It MUST FOLLOW
LOGICALLY that . . . EVEN NOW, at THIS
VERY MOMENT in 'EQUIVALENT Time' (which
is MONEY) and SPACE (which is a VERY LONG
TIME), as we swirl through the Eternal
Darkness on a useless little rock with
some cheap furniture on it, invisible to
the naked Earthling eye, obscured by the
dense, putrid vapors of their semi-lethal
atmosphere . . . "
[HUNCHENTOOT re-coils his
apparatus, jamming it back into
his spandex shorts.]
DRAKMA: (contd.)
"Verily, I say unto you, HUNCHENTOOT, Is
there ANY WAY (if my fantastic program of
conquest SUCCEEDS . . . and, of course,
IT WILL). IS THERE ANY WAY I COULD MAKE
THINGS ANY WORSE THEN THEY ALREADY ARE?"
[SFX: THUNDER]
----------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
INTERIOR OF THE PAPIER-MACHE
SPIDER'S TV ROOM. ALMOST CARL
CARL SAGAN walks in and adjusts
the picture on the set
(unnoticed). staring in
disbelief at the image of NOT
QUITE CARL SAGAN on the tiny
screen.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"And the miserable Giant Spider thought
for a brief moment, finally emitting a
sad little `toot' on his reeking harmoni-
ca, accompanied by a pathetic little
hunch . . . "
[HUNCHENTOOT oinks out a funky
lick on his Hohner, hunching
his shoulder pathetically.]
THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER
attempts to laugh. We can see
the string moving his fake
mandibles. ALMOST CARL SAGAN
is unconcernedly pulling the
string, with his eyes glued to
the TV.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
" . . . which appeared to indicate to the
power-mad SPACE-GIRL that her insect
accomplice was in complete agreement with
the theory she just propounded!"
----------------------------------------
CUT TO:
DRAKMA, lunging lewdly toward
the Giant Spider.
DRAKMA:
"Ah, yes, my erotically wriggling SPIDER
OF DESTINY!" Take me to your reeking
cranny and cares me violently with your
horrible scratchy feelers. AND, while we
concumatte our perverse rendezvous I
shall explain to you the FANTASTIC DE-
TAILS of the WORK WE MUST DO!"
------------------------------------------
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
E.C.U. MULTIPLE SUN-GLASSES ON
PAPIER MACHE SPIDER'S HEAD,
REFLECTING THE TINY TV.
ZOOM BACK TO M.C.U. AS HIS
MANDIBLES SNAP CLOSED. SIFTING
FULLERS EARTH ONTO HIS THORAX.
------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
E.C.U. tiny screen. ZOOM IN
and . . .
------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
PARENTHETICAL ACTION . . . we
are now inside the scene,
inside the TV. We watch
HUNCHENTOOT and DRAKMA enter
the Fake Cave, and discover
that THE ACTION IS TAKING PLACE
ON A BROADWAY STAGE.
THE LEFT SIDE of the stage is
"THE UNKNOWN SIZEABLE CHUNK OF
CELESTIAL DEBRIS", represented
by a grotesquely tufted maroon
SOFA (large), an obviously
fraudulent MOUNTAIN (small)
with a cave in it (front wall
is a cheese-cloth/translucent),
housing a brass bed, a bed
table, a lamp, and a hot maga-
zines. Also visible outside
the cave is a pink bullet-head
hair dryer, a cheesy-looking
illuminated control panel, and
an assortment of tiny papier-
mache volcanoes emitting quaint
smoke.
The center elevated-to-various-
levels part of the stage is
occupied by an orchestra,
dressed in simple-minded `Space
Clothes'. Suspended over the
orchestra is a 40x50 foot
laser-video screen.
DRAKMA and HUNCHENTOOT enter
The Fake Cave. Once inside,
she turns on a little lamp next
to the Spider Bed, producing
cheese-cloth back-lit silhou-
ettes on the translucent cave
front.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
[narrating, filtered as if
coming from the speaker in the
tiny TV]
"The lustful DRAKMA leads poor old HUN-
CHENTOOT into the adjacent reeking cran-
ny, seducing him. and, simultaneously,
delivering a lecture on Quanto-Econo-
mics."
DRAKMA:
[Gesturing erotically in silhouette]
"Mmmmmmmmmmm! Throttle me, you
disgusting beast! Ahhhhhh! You're so
masterful!"
----------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
ANIMATION DEPICTING MATHEMATI-
cal-PHILOSOPHICAL EXAMPLES OF
DRAKMA'S "QUANTUM-ECONOMIC PRE-
MISE", INTERCUT WITH CHEESY-
LOOKING ZODIAC-COSMIC-KAMA-
SUTRA `THEORETICAL COPULATORY
POSITIONS' INVOLVING A 7 1/2
FOOT SPACE-GIRL AND A GIANT
SPIDER.
DRAKMA: (voice-over)
"Oh, HUNCHENTOOT, HUNCHENTOOT! HUNCHEN-
TOOT! HUNCHENTOOT! There has NEVER been
a love such as ours! Don't let me dis-
tract you, BUT . . . Do you REALIZE how
FAR we are RIGHT NOW From THE EARTH IT-
SELF?! Do you realize the IMPORTANCE of
the fact that THE DISTANCE between THEM
and US is nothing but SPACE! And. WHO IS
TO SAY, HUNCHENTOOT, HUNCHENTOOT, HUNCHEN-
TOOT, HUNCHENTOOT, whether or not THAT
SPACE could BELONG to someone . . . HUN-
CHENTOOT, my Valiant Insect, I, DRAKMA
(Queen of Cosmic Greed) do hereby, with
YOU as my LEGAL WITNESS, claim THAT SPACE
AND ALL OTHER SPACE as MY OWN PERSONAL
PROPERTY!
Because . . . IF TIME MONEY (as the
Earthlings believe), and, IF SPACE IS A
LONG, LONG, TIME (AS should be evident to
any fool), then `MY SPACE' (in terms of
TIME) . . . when converted from LIGHT
YEARS to COLD CASH will make me THE
RICHEST HOT SPACE-GIRL IN ALL THE
UNIVERSE!"
------------------------------------
CUT TO:
The KING OF THE GRUNTS and
GORGONZOLA in the throne room
standing near a large lever.
GRUNT KING:
"The honor shall be yours, GORGONZOLA!
Throw the DEATH SWITCH! The chamber will
flood with `Space Sausage', seasoning the
prey, urging our lovely spider to leave
its nest, giving it a TERRIFIC appetite
for the HELPLESS EARTH PEOPLE!"
---------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
INTERIOR OF `FORCE-LING REGION-
AL HEADQUARTERS', SOMEWHERE ON
`EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'.
[The RIGHT SIDE of the stage is
`THE EQUIVALENT EARTH' during
the `FORCE-LINGS' pre-fight
warm-up and the finale. The
`FORCE-LINGS' REGIONAL HEAD-
QUARTERS is represented by a
table, seven chairs and a brick
wall with shitty-looking day-
glo posters on it.
Once the `FORCE-LINGS' have
made their arrival on DRAKMA'S
Planet. the brick wall is
whisked away on a little rollers
to reveal another flat with
Outer Space Decor.]
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN stands in
the foreground, describing what
we think we see.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"Meanwhile, on the `EQUIVALENT BROADWAY',
unaware of the impending financial
crisis, an incredibly obnoxious lad named
DURK, sits in deep Alpha-Meditation with
a group of High-Level Genetic Mutants who
have just formed a SUSPICIOUS NEW CULT
CALLED THE `FORCE-LINGS' . . . "
DURK (HERZBERG, in a sci-fi
zoot suit), chants in fraud-
ulent mod-religious ecstasy:
DURK:
THE HUMAN MIND
Is the ULTIMATE POWER
[`FORCE-LINGS' perform gro-
tesque adagios throughout the
chanting ceremony.]
DURK (contd.)
And THAT POWER is OURS
To USE
As we CHOOSE
`FORCE-LINGS':
. . . As we choose . . .
DURK:
The HUMAN MIND
Contains
WONDER
and
THUNDER
and
BLUNDER
`FORCE-LINGS':
. . . And Blunder . . .
DURK:
And Because WE are so
HIGHLY-EVOLVED
The very
UNIVERSE ITSELF
Must
TREMBLE before us
And
YIELD UNTO US
ALL SECRETS
`FORCE-LINGS':
. . . All Secrets . . .
DURK:
ALL POWER
`FORCE-LINGS':
. . . All power . . .
DURK:
ALL TRUTH
`FORCE-LINGS':
. . . All Truth . . .
DURK:
But mostly THE SECRETS and THE POWER
('Cause who needs `THE TRUTH'
When you got
THE GOOD STUFF?)
`FORCE-LINGS':
And THAT is THE TRUTH!
DURK and the other `FORCE-
LINGS' lift their elasticized
ping-pong ball meditation eye-
gear up over their brows,
revealing horrible blackened
eye-sockets as they jump up and
pretend to sing.
DURK:
WE ARE THE
`FORCE-LINGS'
OUR NEW RELIGION IS
ASTOUND-LINGS
THE GLORY OF OUR SHINING MINDS
AND GROOVY VIBES
IS NOW
SURROUND-LING
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
(WE KNOW YOU'LL JOIN US TOO,
AND YOU'LL GO FAR!)
'CAUSE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
TURKEYS OUT THERE
IN EVERY CHAIR
THINK YOU'RE
JUST ABOUT AS
`COSMIC'
AS WE ARE!
---------------------------------------
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"And, with studied pomposity and
pretension, the leader of the secret
ALPHA-COSMOID MEDITATION SOCIETY prepares
to deliver a thrilling address!"
DURK:
[Speaking into his amulet as if
it were a hand-held wireless
PONY LEG]
"Guys 'n gals . . . as you must have
known before attending out Services
tonight SOMETHING BIG is about to
happen!"
`FORCE-LINGS':
THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL!
DURK:
[Raising his hand to calm them]
"Yes, yes . . . I can CERTAINLY dig it!
And, I'm sure YOU CAN TOO . . . I don't
think I have to emphasize HOW DIFFICULT,
HOW EXHAUSTING, or HOW EXPENSIVE it is to
promote and get customers for A FANTASTIC
NEW UPCOMING RELIGIOUS FOUNDATION such as
ours . . . When there's just SO MUCH
COMPETITION THESE DAYS!"
`FORCE-LINGS':
[nodding in agreement]
THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL!
DURK:
[swiveling dramatically]
"That's right! I have a PROMOTIONAL IDEA
that will PROVE, once and for all, how
HEAVY we are, and simultaneously provide
CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE to every INFIDEL and
UN-BELIEVER of not only WHERE WE'RE AT,
but also . . . WHERE WE'RE COMING FROM!"
`FORCE-LING' #1
[blankly]
"But, Master, how can this BE?"
DURK:
"I have meditated LONELY and DEEPLY, and,
in doing so, have PENETRATED to the VERY
CORE of this marginally imponderable
dilemma, and, I have found THE ANSWER!
Guys 'n Gals, THE ANSWERS IS: `The
difference between WHERE YOU'RE AT and
WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM is WHERE YOU
`WENT'!"
`FORCE-LING' #2
[blankly]
"Oh, MASTER . . . you are so OUTA-SITE!"
DURK:
[excitingly interrupting]
"YES! We must `WENT'! BUT, we must not
only `WENT' . . . WE MUST `WENT'
SOMEPLACE NOBODY HAS EVER `WENT' BEFORE!"
`FORCE-LINGS':
[unison]
THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL!
DURK:
"PRECISELY! That way, WHEN WE GET BACK
from WHEN we `WENT', everybody'll know
WHERE WE'RE AT!"
`FORCE-LING' #1
[astounded by his own brilliance]
"Right back to where we `WENT' from!"
DURK beams proudly and gives
`FORCE-LING' #1 the `SCIENCE
FICTION HAND-SHAKE'.
DURK:
"You GOT IT! But . . . the BEST PART is
when everybody finds out WHERE WE'RE
COMING FROM!"
`FORCE-LING' #2
[lamely]
"WOW! What happens THEN, MASTER?"
DURK proudly clasps his arm
around the shoulder of
`FORCE-LING' #2
DURK:
"I'm glad you asked! THEN . . . EVERY-
BODY'LL WANNA JOIN THE `FORCE-LINGS'!
Heh-heh-heh! And WE'LL ALL BE RICH . . .
and RESPECTABLE, just like any other
branch of . . . THE LEISURE-TIME INDUS-
TRY!"
`FORCE-LING' #1
[overwhelmed]
"Oh, MASTER. you are so neat!"
`FORCE-LINGS':
[unison]
"Yes, MASTER, you are very, very NEAT!"
`FORCE-LING' #2
"Yes, MASTER! You are TOTTALY BITCHEN!
Where are we going to `WENT'?"
DURK:
[fantastically casual]
"Guy `n Gals . . . I don't want this to
come as a SHOCK to you, but . . . WE ARE
ALL GOING TO BE `WENT-ing' INTO OUTER
SPACE!"
`FORCE-LINGS':
[unison]
WE ARE?
`FORCE-LING' #1
[mystified]
"But . . . but . . . MASTER! We don't
have a SPACE SHIP!"
DURK:
[sincerely]
"Well . . . you want everybody to be
IMPRESSED when you GET BACK, right? Well
. . . FOR ME, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH! I think
that people should be impressed COMING
and GOING! DON'T YOU EVER FORGET: `The
Human Mind is THE ULTIMATE POWER'!"
`FORCE-LINGS':
[unison]
. . . The ULTIMATE POWER . . .
[SFX: OMINOUS GONG]
DURK:
[hypnotically lowering his
voice and his ping-pong balls
at the same time.]
"Because . . . all of our FANTASTIC
MINDS, LINKED TOGETHER, can ACHIEVE ANY
GOAL, OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLE, and, IF WE
SO DESIRE, even go so far as to provide
FIRST CLASS TRANSPORTATION INTO OUTER
SPACE, and still have enough energy left
over for a BREATHABLE ATMOSPHERE, and
as a `Special Goo-Will Bonus', our VERY
OWN GRAVITY!"
[ORCHESTRA BEGINS VAMP]
DURK: (contd.)
"REMEMBER . . . because WE are so HIGHLY-
EVOLVED, there is NOTHING . . . NOTHING
THAT CAN STOP US!"
DURK and the `FORCE-LINGS'
remove their ping-pong balls
once again, raise their hands
skyward in a stupid-looking
`Space-Salute', and break into
another song and dance routine.
DURK:
[swaggering with Cosmic Abandon]
If something gets in your way,
Just THINK IT over . . .
If something gets in your way,
JUST THINK IT OVER!
`FORCE-LINGS':
If something gets in your way,
Just think it OVER . . .
If something gets in your way,
JUST THINK IT OVER!
DURK:
And
It will fall down
It will fall down
It will fall
Just wait `n see!
Soon
It'll fall down
It'll fall down
It'll fall
TAKE IT FROM ME!
Everything that gets in your way ain't real
Everything that gets in your way ain't real
Everything that gets in your way ain't real
It ain't real!
It ain't real!
It ain't real, so
"What's the deal?"
`FORCE-LINGS':
Over
Over
Over
It'll fall over
The `FORCE-LINGS' execute a
dance routine which, by the
very nature of its PATHETICALLY
OVERT SYMBOLISM, will indicate
to the audience that the whole
bunch of them intended to `SWIM
THROUGH OUTER SPACE' until they
bump into a MYSTERIOUS UNKNOWN
PLANET. This concludes with a
massive STAGE RIGHT EXIT.
LIGHTS UP ON STAGE LEFT,
revealing the enormous SPACE-
GIRL, apparently satisfied by
the GIANT SPIDER, emerging from
under the hair dryer, adjusting
her rollers.
She repairs to the couch and
preens while the despondent
insect paces nervously near the
entrance to his reeking
residence, singing . . .
HUNCHENTOOT:
[singing]
Oh me, Oh my
De lonely Spider wanna die!
Oh me, Oh my
De lonely Spider weep `n cry!
Oh me, Oh my
I wasted forty pair o' shoes
Just-a shufflin' back `n forth
Wit dem HUNCHENTOOTIN' BLUES!
("No shit . . . I GOT `EM!")
Oh where do you go
An' what do you do
When de shit start flyin'
An' it land on you
Oh me, Oh my
I wasted forty pair o' shoes
Just-a walkin' that floor
Wit de HUNCHENTOOTIN' BLUES!
Their ain't no more ter'ble weepin'
Than dis lonely Spider do
Listen at me peoples!
Dis de TRUFE I'm tellin' you!
Got no reg'luh Spider Lady
Just to ease my Spider Mind
Been peepin' all over my
plastic rock
Till my Spider Eyes gone blind
Won't somebody kindly tell me
Just WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
`Cuz I'm a bad Mutha-Spider
Wit de HUNCHENTOOTIN' BLUES!
("Yes I am, peoples!")
[FLAMBOYANT HARMONICA FILL]
DRAKMA:
"You always seem to get so DEPRESSED
after our little PARTIES . . . what is
it, `HUNNY' . . . don't you LOVE me
anymore?"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[angrily]
"Don't you be callin' ME no `HUNNY',
bitch! Onliest reason I been givin'
y'all the pleasure O' my compnay is you
the only PUSSY I got up here!"
DRAKMA:
[bewildered and misty-eyed]
"You mean . . . it's . . . MERELY
PHYSICAL with you and me?"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[slyly]
"Well, ah . . . "
DRAKMA:
[wrist to forehead]
"Why can't you respect me . . . for my
MIND?"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[turning away]
"Well, ah . . . "
DRAKMA:
[suddenly angered]
"YOU DESPICABLE . . . DETESTABLE . . .
MUSICIAN! I've given you THE BEST YEARS
OF MY LIFE! I've PAID THE RENT ON YOUR
STUPID LITTLE CAVE, AND . . . AND . . ."
HUNCHENTOOT:
[rubbing his chin in a sage gesture]
"Well, ah . . . I gone be honest wif you,
bitch . . . uh . . . YOU IS `DEFICIENT'!"
DRAKMA:
[enraged]
"WHAT? ME? `DEFICIENT'! HAH! Listen,
buddy . . . I . . . AM A VERY PASSIONATE
WOMAN! You just can't appreciate THE
MEANING OF THE TRUE PASSION, BECAUSE YOU ARE
MERELY . . . A BUG!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[mocking]
"Shit! LOOK HERE! You can be PASH`N'IT,
MASH`N'IT, SPLASH`N'IT, `n GASH`N'IT, BUT
. . . THERE's ONE THING YOU AIN'T NEVER
GONNA BE . . . "
DRAKMA:
"And WHAT, pray, is that?"
HUNCHENTOOT:
"Les you go `n grow you some LEGS . . .
an' I mean ONE GREAT BIG GY-GANNIC mutha-
fuckin' STACK `O dem scratchin', kickin',
THREE-HUNNER-SIXTY DE-GREE, WRAP-ALL-
AROUND-THE-BACK-O-YO-HAID, MUTHAFUCKIN'
LEGS, there ain't gone be NO WAY you
likely to become no GIANT SPIDER-PEASIN'
WOMAN!"
He dances around the broken
hearted SPACE-GIRL, taunting
her with his loathsome
harmonica and naughty song.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[singing]
It take a reg'luh SPIDER LADY
Fo' de `maximum potentum'
Fum de SPIDER MAIN
Mus' take a stack o' SPIDER LAG
T'make de SPIDER FUCKER beg
An' raise de SPIDER SAN'
Since you ain't got no SPIDER EYES
Dis here might give you some surprise
To hear my SPIDER-FUCKIN' song
De only thing dat cause me wonder,
`Bout de rock I livin' under
"How you doin' me wrong so long?"
HUNCHENTOOT continues to cavort
lasciviously.
SUDDENLY, DRAKMA's eyes widen
in disbelief! There, in the
midst of HUNCHENTOOT's auto-
erotic frenzy, she beholds the
`FORCE-LINGS' (and DURK) as
they stumbled out from behind
The Fake Cave, yawning,
stretching, and readjusting
their ping-pong balls,
indicating `recovery' from
their fantastic journey.
DURK:
[still smiles]
"Well, guys `n gals . . . WE MADE IT!"
HUNCHENTOOT lumbers to
scrutinize DURK.
DURK: (contd.)
"This is it! OUTER SPACE! A fantastic,
unknown, unexplored PLANET, inhabited by
. . . inhabited by . . . Uh . . . this
GIANT, UGLY SPIDER!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[pissed off]
"Say WHAT?"
DURK:
[slightly intimidated]
"Who, uh . . . who seems to be, uh . . .
VERY TALENTED . . . and, uh . . . DANCES
TERRIFIC! Say, Brother, what's happenin'
. . . (play a little trumpet myself),
and, of course, over here we have . . ."
DRAKMA:
"SILENCE EARTHLING! Who ARE you? Why
have you DARED to TRESPASS upon MY
PLANET? Who gave you PERMISSION to
travel through MY SPACE?!"
DRAKMA towers over DURK.
wagging her finger in his face.
DURK:
[shit-eating grin]
"Well, uh . . . Y'see, it's like this, uh
. . . THE HUMAN MIND OS THE ULTIMATE
POWER!"
[LIGHTS FLASH -- OMINOUS GONG]
`FORCE-LINGS' pull down their
ping-pong balls, groping
blindly.
`FORCE-LINGS':
[unison]
. . . The ULTIMATE POWER . . .
DURK:
[cheerfully]
"And, of course, we bring GREETINGS from
the kind, generous, friendly PEOPLE OF
EARTH . . . (the third little dot over by
the BIG DOT on right, which my people
call THE SUN . . . ), and, uh . . .
BASICALLY, this here's a PROMO TOUR for
our FANTASTIC NEW AND UPCOMING RELIGIOUS
FOUNDATION that's pretty soon gonna be
the . . . "
DRAKMA:
[interrupting]
"BAH! Your wretched PROMO TOUR means
nothing to me! Prepare to meet your
DOOM, invaders! KILL, HUNCHENTOOT!
KILL, KILL, KILL THE Earthlings!"
HUNCHENTOOT doesn't move. He
just looks at her.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[fobbing her off]
"Lighten up, bitch . . . shee-it!"
HUNCHENTOOT shakes his head
disgustedly and gestures toward
DURK.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.)
"Now, look here . . . pssst! Hey!
EARTH-dude . . . C'mere. boy!
They walk to the edge of the
stage A BLUE SPOTLIGHT ON
BOTH OF THEM emphasize the
intimacy of their whispered
conversation.
DURK:
[delighted]
"Sure thing! What you need, my man?
GIMME FIVE . . . (or whatever) . . .
He attempts to swat `hiply' at
several of HUNCHENTOOT's extra
arms.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[confidentially]
"Look here, boy, I REALLY AM supposed to
scarf you folks up!"
DURK:
[shit-eating grin again]
"Really? Wow, that's beautiful . . .
REALLY BEAUTIFUL!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
"Dat be de CALLIN' of my ENORMOUS
SPECIES, you copy? We be talkin' COSMIC
BIO-FUNCTION here! I was BORN to jus' be
WRECKIN' de FUCK outa them HELPLESS
EARTH-VICTIMS!"
DURK fidgets as HUNCHENTOOT
flips his collar up.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.)
"An' YOU gone be ONE OF `EM, `less you `n
me c'n GET SOMETHING TOGETHER . . . "
DURK pretends to be very
concerned for the insect's
welfare. He puts his arm
protectively around HUNCHEN-
TOOT'S shoulder.
DURK:
"Just listen to me! Never let it be said
that our FANTASTIC NEW AND UPCOMING,
ECOLOGICALLY CONCERNED, DEFINITELY-
AGAINST-ANY-FORM-OF-INSECTICIDE . . .
RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION ever missed . . .
SINGLE CHANCE to help a troubled soul or
make a new convert . . . (How much bread
you makin' up here?)"
HUNCHENTOOT tosses DURK's arm
away and grabs him by the
cheek.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[dangerously]
"Look here! You jus' don' seem t'
unnuhstain boy! You lookin' at a MEAN,
NASTY, CRUEL, BLOODTHIRSTY, GIANT mutha-
fuckin' SPIDER! An' I gone SNUFF all you
people OUT `less we get something goin'
here RAT NOW!"
DRAKMA:
[raging in the distance]
"EAT THEM! EAT THOSE EARTHLINGS,
HUNCHENTOOT!"
Startled by the interruption,
HUNCHENTOOT releases DURK's
cheek and turns in the
direction of DRAKMA's voice.
DRAKMA: (contd.)
"IT IS YOUR NATURAL COSMIC BIO-FUNCTION!
IF YOU IGNORE YOUR COSMO-BIOLOGICAL
URGINGS, YOU COULD CAUSE AN IRREVERSIBLE
IMBALANCE IN THE FRAGILE ECO-SYSTEM OF MY
MISERABLE PLANET! JESUS CHRIST! WE
COULD ALL GET SPACE-CANCER!"
There is a deadly silence as
HUNCHENTOOT stomps over to
DRAKMA, looks up nad down,
and says . . .
HUNCHENTOOT:
[exasperated]
"Why don't you jus' SHUT DE FUCK UP! I
knows what I'm doin'!"
THE SPOTLIGHT FOLLOWS HIM BACK
TO THE STAGE EDGE WHERE HE
TAKES UP AGAIN WITH DURK.
DURK:
[fidgeting]
"Heh-heh . . . You gonna PRETEND to eat
us . . . `n then SPIT US OUT in back of
The Fake Cave . . . right?"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[VERY confidentially]
"Look here, brothuh . . . I may not hafta
be eatin' you people AT ALL . . . "
DURK jumps back, semi-
astonished.
DURK:
"No shit! Really? That's beautiful!
That's REALLY, REALLY BEAUTIFUL! And
Out-a-SITE!"
DURK pats HUNCHENTOOT on the
back very carefully.
HUNCHENTOOT:
"That's right, `brothuh' . . . GIMME FIVE
(or whatevuh), `brothuh'!"
HUNCHENTOOT whirls around,
pummeling DURK with his
spring-loaded leglets.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.)
"HEY! What's TO it! Thas' right! Um-
hmm, yeah! You got it! Look here, I's
jes' wondrin' if y'all be able t'hep a
brothuh out . . ."
DURK suddenly grasps what is
REALLY going on.
DURK:
[impressed with himself
because HE can DIG IT]
"OF COURSE! YOU WANNA GET LAID!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[philosophically]
"Shit . . . y'all putty sharp fo' a
EARTH-boy!"
THE LIGHTS COME UP as the
`FORCE-LINGS' (who retreat into
ping-pong meditation-mode when
there's nothing else for them
to do) dance over to DURK and
HUNCHENTOOT, as the Giant
Spider bursts into song once
more.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[singing]
There ain't NOTHIN' to it
`Les some SPIDER-MAMA DO IT,
An' I could use a pair o'
SPIDER-JAWS today!
So, ef yo' Human Brain's so hot
Jes' go `n show me what you got
An' get my SPIDER-PUSSY
whippin' right away
`Cause ef you don't, I gotta tell ya
It's my SPIDER-JOB t'kill ya,
An' it ain't gonna make no
never-mind t'me, boy!
So git my SPIDER-PUSSY flyin',
Or all you folks is gwine be dyin'
An' that's no SPIDER-SHIT I'm spreadin',
cuz I c'n DE-stroy!
HUNCHENTOOT squeals away on his
fetid harmonica, demostarting
to the `FORCE-LINGS' various
possible methods of GIANT
SPIDER-INFLICTED GRIEVOUS PER-
SONAL HARM.
As soon as he feels he has
given them a Proper Scare, he
pauses to announce . . .
HUNCHENTOOT:
[matter of factly]
"I now be gwine back to my apartment to
WHIP IT fo' a while `til you Religious
Folks come up with somethin' Hot `n Hairy
I can identify wif!"
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
[voice over]
"An so, having stated his case to the
invaders from EARTH, the pathetic,
misunderstood Giant Spider trundles back
into his cave . . . and naught was heard
but his busy little multiple appendages,
WHIPPING IT, while on her lonely SOFA,
DRAKMA (Queen of Cosmic Greed) pines away
for the love of her insect . . .
[SFX: SPIDER FLOG]
SEGUE TO A COCKTAIL PIANO VAMP
INTRO AS THE STAGE DARKENS AND
A LONELY SPOTLIGHT FINDS
DRAKMA.
DRAKMA:
[singing]
He used to be very kind . . .
(In his own crude way)
And he wasn't always like I wanted him to be!
He wasn't smart
He wasn't handsome
But he thrilled me
When he drilled me
And I never loved a monster quite like
HE...
Because his
Love
Was so
`FLAM-BAY'
His kisses burned me so
His kisses turned me
From a Queen
On a throne
To a SHRIVELLING STOOL!
Here I stand,
All alone:
A SPIDER'S FOOL!
(When it's ME he needs
To fondle his tool!)
I guess some
Bugs
Are just
THAT WAY!
He don't really need your love
He don't really need you . . .
To be there
When his hair
Gets matted and grey,
With a broom
Cleaning his room,
From the mess he made that day
Out of Earthlings arms
He nibbled away!
Oh HUNCHENTOOT, my love
How could you desert me now?
Oh, HUNCHENTOOT you brute?
Can't you see I want you
Stay with me!
FLAGRANTLY!
And we'll have ECSTASY
For ALL ETERNITY!
Because your
Love
Is so
`FLAM-BAY'
Your kisses burn me so
Your kisses turn me
From a Queen
On a throne
To a SHRIVELLING STOOL!
I don't mind
If you're unkind, `cause
SPIDERS RULE!
Yes, YOU'RE ALL REAL COOL,
With those little WEBS you SPOOL
And all your `SPIDER DROOL' . . . Oh!
Let me float in your pool!
[DRAKMA fumbles for her `Space-
Zither' and strums a few more
hideous chords.]
HUNCHENTOOT!
HUNCHENTOOT!
HUNCHENTOOT!
The chords distract HUNCHENTOOT
from his recreation. He pokes
his head out of The Fake Cave.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[disgruntled]
"What you want NOW, bitch?"
DRAKMA:
[pretending to be cold and objective]
Listen carefully, `SPIDER OF DESTINY'!
If you persist in your refusal to EAT THE
EARTH PEOPLE, my plans for the CONQUEST
of their disgusting little planet may
become ENDANGERED!"
------------------------------------
CUT TO:
CECIL and LARRY near the
CRYSTAL POOL, waking up and
venturing forth to save the
others (they don't know about
THE DUMMY yet).
------------------------------------
CUT TO:
The interior of the DEATH
CHAMBER.
THE DUMMY:
"What the heck you doing' up here. old-
timer?"
BILLY:
"Well. before I got interrupted, I was
getting ready to re-populate this
Heavenly Body, after claiming it and re-
naming it and so forth . . . "
THE DUMMY:
"You can't be doin' that . . . this here
MOON is the property of the U.S.
Government, an' there's no way some old
asshole like you has got any right to
fuck around with it!"
---------------------------------
CUT TO:
Interior of the TENDERIZOR.
Steam rises all around while
Space-Girls go "EEEEK!" and
tear away pointed bras-
siers.
---------------------------------
CUT TO:
CECIL and LARRY on their way to
THE GRUNT KING'S THRONE ROOM.
As they travel, they discuss
their plan to vanquish the
GRUNT PEOPLE.
They pluck a few fake
stalagmites and fill their
pockets with the `Incredibly
Realistic Simulated Space Dia-
monds' littering the pathway.
---------------------------------
CUT TO:
E.C.U. DEATH SWITCH being
thrown to the position marked
`DEMISE'.
[SFX: `Space Sausage' gurgling
into the DEATH CHAMBER, mingled
with enraged GIANT SPIDER
roar.]
---------------------------------
CUT TO:
INTERIOR PAPIER MACHE SPIDER'S
TV ROOM.
We discover that the roar is in
response to the interruption of
his TV viewing.
Large quantities of `Space
Sausage' are falling all around
him . . . some of them dangle
over his tiny screen.
---------------------------------
CUT TO:
Half-naked SPACE-GIRLS, writh-
ing in the TENDERIZOR.
---------------------------------
CUT TO:
BILLY and THE DUMMY, chained,
back to back, `Space Sausage'
rising around them.
The shadows of THE PAPIER MACHE
SPIDER and ALMOST CARL SAGAN
are visible on the other side
of the gate as it rises. THE
PAPIER MACHE SPIDER makes his
horrible noise. Above the roar
we hear:
BILLY:
"Who the fuck do you think YOU are,
buddy? Fuck you! AND FUCK THE GODDAM
U.S. GOVERNMENT TOO! Fuck yer expensive
spacesuit! FUCK EVERY GODDAM THING YOU
STAND FOR!"
THE DUMMY:
"Those are pretty strong words to be
comin' from some decrepit old sonofa-
bitch, helpless chained to a goddam
outer-space torture machine . . . `Space
Doody' up to his dick and a GIANT SPIDER
creepin' over on the side! Only a COM-
MUNIST would say shit like that at a time
like this . . . HAH! I know how to deal
with assholes like you! BELIEVE ME, if
we ever get out of this highly improbable
situation, I'm gonna blow your senile
COMMUNIST brains all over this fuckin'
place!"
----------------------------------
CUT TO:
TENDERIZOR interior . . . more
squeals, steam, desperate
nudity, etc.
----------------------------------
CUT TO:
THRONE ROOM interior . . . all
the GRUNTS are huddling near
the TENDERIZOR door, chuckling
over the Space-Girls' torment,
unaware of CECIL and LARRY as
they sneak up behind them.
LARRY accidentally bumps the
DEATH SWITCH into the "OFF"
position.
----------------------------------
CUT TO:
Interior of the DEATH CHAMBER.
The gate which would have
allowed the PAPIER MACHE SPIDER
to eat BILLY and THE DUMMY
clanks down, just as he was
supposed to pass through it.
----------------------------------
CUT TO:
THRONE ROOM interior. shot at 2
F.P.S.
CECIL and LARRY, in a lavishly
choreographed fight sequence,
whizzing by at incredible
speed, decimate the entire army
of GRUNTS with their stupid
stalagmites and `Space Diamond'
projectiles, in a parody of the
battle with `The Bogey-Men'
from "BABES IN TOYLAND".
By the time it is over, all the
GRUNTS have been mutilated,
leaving pools of monster blood
everywhere. (CECIL and LARRY
are covered in this obviously
fake gore.)
As things quiet down, the
Space-Girls' pleas can be heard
through Door #1. CECIL and
LARRY open are almost
trampled by a stampede of
steaming, naked, thoroughly
tenderized Lunar Maiden.
The sight of the mutilated
GRUNTS causes them to recoil in
horror at first, but somehow,
through the magic of `B' Movie
Logic, this horror evolves into
an alien form of sexual
stimulation.
The girls indicate to CECIL and
LARRY that they shouldn't waste
any time with the LUNAR RE-
POPULATION CEREMONY. Clawing at
their clothing, they attempt to
gang-rape the two idiots right
there in the middle of the
monster guts.
LARRY doesn't mind at all since
it's a sort of like a PONY RIDE,
but CECIL is worried about
UNCLE BILLY. The Space-Girls
ignore his protestations, and
continue to pile on top of him.
He sees DOOR #2, manages to
pull away, and opens it . . .
only to be repelled by the
stench of the `Space Sausages',
as they tumble out to mingle
with the monster debris.
He holds his nose and forces
himself to go in. Once inside,
CECIL discovers BILLY and
THE DUMMY.
BILLY warns him not to release
"The Short Guy" because he
wants to blow his brains out.
THE DUMMY:
[screaming]
"He's a COMMUNIST, you dip-shit! It's
your DUTY as an AMERICAN to release me so
I can rid the universe of this stinking
son-of-a-bitch once and for all!"
Baffled, CECIL turns to his
uncle and asks:
CECIL:
"Are you a COMMUNIST?" I never knew you
were a COMMUNIST!"
BILLY:
[enraged by the accusation]
"FROGWASH! I'm not a COMMUNIST! I'm a
FORMER JANITOR!"
THE DUMMY:
[struggling against his chains]
"Lies! All Lies! They lie about
EVERYTHING . . . ALL THE TIME! COMMUNIST
PROPAGANDA! Don't believe a WORD of it!"
THE PAPIER MACHE SPIDER crashes
through the gate, wobbles over
and grabs THE DUMMY, whisking
him off to his room.
CECIL:
"HOLY SHIT!"
He unchains the accused
Communist and they both rush
out, slamming DOOR #2 behind
them.
Meanwhile, LARRY has been get-
ting "The Pony Ride Of His
Life".
CECIL (already undressed) dives
in. BILLY removes his clothes
and joins them. GRETCHEN
consumes dangerous amounts of
`Space Sausage'.
----------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
`EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"As you will perhaps recall, a few mo-
ments ago, the depraved SPACE-GIRL pro-
nounced and ominous warning to her recal-
citrant insect accomplice, indicating
that her plans for the CONQUEST of THE
EARTH ITSELF could be endangered by his
reluctance to eat the Earthlings `like a
good little Giant Spider'!"
----------------------------------
CUT TO:
THE DUMMY, ALMOST CARL SAGAN,
and THE PAPIER MACHE SPIDER,
crowded around the tiny TV,
laughing childishly.
THE DUMMY:
[nudging THE PAPIER MACHE
SPIDER in the thorax with his
elbow]
"Hah! THAT was a GOOD ONE!"
----------------------------------
CUT TO:
'EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'. LIGHTS
UP ON STAGE LEFT.
DRAKMA:
[singing]
Listen carefully,
`SPIDER OF DESTINY'!
You must heed the call
Of COSMO-BIOLOGY!
If you eat the Earthlings now,
Things will all be fine, AND THEN
We'll repair our love somehow
And resume the busy schedule
Of our RUTHLESS CONQUEST once again!
[DRAKMA clutches her control
panel and punches the buttons
rhythmically]
DRAKMA: (contd.)
Listen carefully,
`SPIDER OF DESTINY'!
I will not allow
This marvellous
OPPORTUNITY
To be taken from me!
TAKEN from me!
So . . .
EAT THE EARTH PEOPLE!
EAT THEM AND CHEW THEM AND
BRUTALLY
STOMP ON THE REST OF WHAT'S LEFT
AND THEN REPORT TO ME . . .
FOR THE CONQUEST OF EARTH,
(AND THE MOON AND THE STARS),
AND THE SPACE IN BETWEEN
ALL THE COMETS AND STUFF
WILL BE OURS!
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"Hearing all this talk of `CONQUEST',
DURK becomes alarmed and gathers his
Mutant Disciples for an emergency
strategy meeting . . . "
DURK:
[checking to see if anybody is
listening]
"Guys 'n Gals, this is some DEEP SHIT
these Space People got goin' here!
They're talkin' about the CONQUEST of our
VERY OWN PLANET!"
`FORCE-LING' #2
[also concerned]
"It's a good thing we got here in time!"
DURK:
[boldly]
"Guy's `n Gals. our duty is clear! It's
up to us, as a NEW and UPCOMING, fantas-
tically benevolent, TAX EXEMPT Religious
Organization, to bring about, with all of
our FANTASTIC MINDS, THE PROMO-SALVATION
of the EARTH ITSELF!"
`FORCE-LINGS'
[unison]
Heavy. That's very, very HEAVY . . . and
also REALLY BEAUTIFUL, MASTER!
DURK:
[becoming excited]
"Yes! Yes! Yes! All of our competitors
will be GREEN WITH ENVY . . . when we get
our little leaflets printed up, and in-
crease congestion at EVERY AIRPORT in
EVERY MAJOR CITY in EVERY CIVILIZED COUN-
TRY on EARTH, and pass them out to EACH
POTENTIAL CONVERT, affording those lost
souls THE OPPORTUNITY to show their
GRATITUDE with a SMALL DONATION, because
WE were ready, willing and . . . ABLE TO
SUCCED against FANTASTIC ODDS . . .
[The `FORCE-LINGS' mime the
leaflet-distributing process as
their `MASTER' becomes more and
more hysterical, eventually
lapsing into semi-intelligibi-
lity.]
DURK: (contd.)
" . . . TO SAVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF
THEM FROM A REAL, GENUINE, ALIEN-WHALIEN-
ALAPTALIEN . . . INVASION-WASION-ALA-
PATASION!"
[The `FORCE-LINGS' fumble in
the midst of their hypnotized
miming as DURK gurgles into
confusion, looking towards him
for some dialogue they can WORK
with.]
DURK:
[sanity momentarily regained]
". . . in layman's terms, Guys `n Gals:
MORTAL MUTHA-FUCKIN' DANGER! Now, here's
my plan . . . "
[They go into huddle as DURK
somehow manages to locate a
`Space Trumpet' from behind a
tiny fake volcano and pretends
to blow a few notes on it.]
`FORCE-LINGS'
[unison]
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?!
[The `FORCE-LINGS' retrieve a
collection of conveniently
secreted `Space Instruments'
and mime pretentiously as the
orchestra plays.]
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
[voice over]
"The `FORCE-LINGS' have linked their
fantastic minds together in order to
perform a special Intergalactic/Alpha-
Therapeutic Cadenza!
The essential details of the Earthlings'
bold counter-plot are worked out during
this musical conversation.
It includes, among other things, a
bizarre SACRIFICIAL MANEUVER, in which
DURK must win the confidence of the evil
SPACE-GIRL by means of his Animal
Magnetism."
DURK plays `Animal Magnetic'
licks while the `FORCE-LINGS'
mime. He approaches DRAKMA on
the SOFA.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: (contd.)
"DURK moves seductively toward DRAKMA as
she takes her leisure on the big SOFA,
teasing her with erotic little boops on
his `Space-Trumpet' . . . tempting, ever
tempting the immense Cosmic Maiden to jam
with him . . . on her `Space-Zither'!"
DURK reaches the SOFA, booping
erotically. DRAKMA, semi-
aroused, sits up to take
notice.
`FORCE-LINGS' surround the
SOFA. Rhythm begins to
establish itself. DRAKMA
snaps her fingers in an
incredibly hokey manner.
`FORCE-LINGS' and DURK wave
their horns at her in coaxing
gestures. DRAKMA reaches for
the `Space-Zither', joining in
with her favorite horrible
chords.
The musical `conversation'
evolves into some sort of
stupid `SPACE-BOOGIE'.
DRAKMA starts to `GET INTO IT'
attempting to play what she
believes to be a rip-snorting
`SOLO'. This is interrupted by
DURK, as he grabs her,
SMOOCHING VIOLENTLY!
She drops the `Space-Zither' as
the two of them grope briefly,
and tumble over the back of the
SOFA.
`FORCE-LINGS':
Over
Just think it
Over
And it will
Fall Down
Fall Down
Believe me,
It'll REALLY
Fall down!
DURK:
[singing, in boldest operatic tones]
Do you think that it's
Merely INSANE
To conclude that the
`AVERAGE BRAIN'
Has potential to
RULE THE DOMAIN
From the EARTH to the STARS!
[Slightly disheveled, DRAKMA
rises from behind the SOFA and
takes DURK's arm. They stroll
downstage under an arch formed
by the `FORCE-LINGS' Space
Instruments.]
DURK & DRAKMA
[crooning to each other]
WITH A BRAIN FROM YOU AND ME
WE CAN RULE TRIUMPHANTLY
WE CAN CONQUER DESTINY
WE CAN CAUSE ETERNITY TO GO
`ROUND THE OTHER WAY
(simulating backward tape)
YAW REHTO EHT DNUOR'
`FORCE-LINGS', DURK & DRAKMA
[singing]
OVER
OVER
Just think it
Over
And it will
FALL DOWN
FALL DOWN
Down
Down
Down
Down
It will fall down!
[`FORCE-LINGS' dance and mime,
DURK & DRAKMA stroll, ``FORCE-
LINGS' toss instruments away,
ending the song by squatting
with ping-pong balls in
meditation-mode position.]
DRAKMA:
[wistfully]
"You know, EARTH man, I . . . "
DURK:
[romantically interrupting]
"Just call me . . . DURK!"
DRAKMA:
"DURK? DURK? What a beautiful name!"
DURK:
[trying to take her seriously]
"Really. huh? You like it?
DRAKMA:
[she really likes it]
"Oh yes! It's so . . . lilting! Are all
Earthlings names so . . ."
DURK:
[cutting her off]
"Are you kidding me? The planet EARTH is
famous for its Fantastic Names! Ever
been there before?"
DRAKMA:
[eyes twinkling]
"No, but . . . I'd love to go! I mean,
the very name of the planet itself . . .
EARTH! EARTH! Just say it to yourself a
few times!"
[She clutches desperately at
DURK's chest.]
DURK:
[studying her from the corner of his eyes]
"EARTH, huh? Always sounds like `URF' to
me!"
DRAKMA:
"Ooooooh! I get chills when you say it!"
DURK:
[incredulously]
"That gives you the chills, huh? That's
beautiful . . . REALLY BEAUTIFUL!"
DRAKMA:
[creaming]
"Mmmmmmmmm! EARTH! Brrrrr!"
DURK:
"Yep, it's one helluva planet, all right!
`Course, we got some other Fantastic
Names down there . . . "
DRAKMA:
[suddenly alerted]
"You do?"
DURK:
[smoothly]
"Sure. we do. honey! How about . . .
`Dick'? How's `Dick' sound to you?"
DRAKMA:
[pondering]
"Dick?"
DURK:
[raising and lowering his eyebrows]
"Yeah . . . you like `DICK'?"
DRAKMA:
[still pondering]
"Hmmmmm . . . I might have to think about
this `EARTH-DICK'!"
DURK:
"I'm gonna be really disappointed if you
don't like `DICK', honey, `cause that's
MY middle name!"
DRAKMA:
"Your name is . . . `DURK-DICK'?"
DURK:
"Uh-huh! That's only my first two names!
My last name is DORK!"
DRAKMA:
[dreamily]
"That means . . . if . . . if we ever got
married, MY NAME would be . . . DRAKMA
DICK-DORK!"
DURK:
[slyly]
"Let's face it . . . you could do a lot
worse! Before I moved to Southern
California it used to be HERZBERG!"
[DURK reaches over to tweeze
DRAKMA'S protruding microphone
apparatus.]
DRAKMA:
[just starting to get the drift]
"Are you trying to indicate your interest
in some exotic form of EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
GRATIFICATION?"
DURK:
[pretending to be offended]
"Never let it be said that our NEW and
UPCOMING, FANTASTICALLY BENEVOLENT EX-
PERIMENTAL RELIGION ever missed a SINGLE
OPPORTUNITY to bring PEACE OF MIND TO ANY
TROUBLED SOUL, whether it be on THE
EARTH, on the MOON, or ON YOUR SOFA!
Because, it is LOVE that is the GUIDING
FORCE of the UNIVERSE IN GENERAL, and I
want you to ALWAYS REMEMBER that it is
against the basic Rules and Regulations
of the UNIVERSE, as described above, for
any Person or Monster, regardless of
race, color or planetary origin, to have
DREAMS OF, or to ACTIVELY ENGAGE IN, any
SINISTER PLAN 9or plans) to CONQUER,
VANQUISH, SUBJUGATE, AND/OR ABBREVIATE
THE WORLD OF SOME OTHER POOR FOOL . . .
and I mean that SINCERELY, Miss . . .
Miss . . . uh . . ."
DRAKMA:
[miserably]
"(sniff, sob, snerf) DRAKMA . . .
(snivel) . . . Queen of Cosmic . . .
(weep) GREED . . . (blubber, blubber,
blubb)"
DURK:
[ineptly consoling her]
"There now, Princess . . . uh `Drakuma'
or whatever, uh . . . Just relax and
lemme finish my story here . . . Now, I'm
gonna be straight with you, and I don't
want you to get offended, BUT . . . I
couldn't help over-hearing that song from
a few minutes ago . . . '
DRAKMA:
[still sniveling]
"You . . . you OVER-HEARD it? Well, I,
(snorf) . . . "
DURK:
[somewhat sternly]
"Now, I'm just about to burst into song,
so you relax DOWN HERE . . . "
[DURK places a comforting arm
around the weeping SPACE-GIRL
as the orchestra begins to
play, guiding her into a heap
on the floor. He pretends to
undo his fly, turns his back to
the audience, simultaneously
jamming the Cosmic Maiden's
majestic head between his
legs.]
DURK:
[crooning]
The planet of my dreams
The EARTH, my EARTH
Is bulging at the seams
The EARTH, my EARTH
It's full of many schemes
And as the sunlight beams
The glory of our sciences
And militant alliances
Reveal their BASIC WORTH
Along the mounds of dead appliances!
The planet of my dreams
The EARTH, my EARTH
I hear it's muffled screams
The EARTH, my EARTH
And though it often seems
From television beams
That ignorance is rampant there
And Governmental Goons don't care
I know that I shall not despair
And CHEAT like ALL THE REST
I'll just keep on
With what I do the best!
[DURK squats gallantly beside
the SPACE-GIRL, checking to
make sure she has been properly
erotized, and says . . . ]
DURK:
[seductively]
"You like me, dontcha, honey, huh? Some
of us Earthlings are pretty swift, eh?"
DRAKMA:
[swooning into his arms]
"DURK, DURK, oh, DURK! I . . . I feel as
though I . . . must SUCCUMB to your
Animal Magnetism!"
DURK:
[teasing her]
"You really like me, dontcha, huh? I'm
really gettin' you HOT (For a SPACE-
GIRL), right? Boy, you'd really
like to have me DO IT TO YOU . . . huh?
EARTH-DICK, huh?"
DRAKMA:
[steaming]
"Oh DURK DICK-DORK! I'm so AROUSED by
you! Take me to the HU-mungus SOFA . . .
and make me quirm with `Inner-Galactic
Abandon'!"
DURK:
"You bet I will, honey . . . NO QUESTION
ABOUT IT . . . all you gotta do is . . .
LAY OFF MY PLANET!"
[DRAKMA'S clumsy Space-Boots
cause her to stumble as she
tries to rise from the floor.]
DRAKMA:
[completely enraged]
"Why you miserable, DISGUSTING . . .
MUSICIAN! You're just ALL THE
REST!"
DURK:
"But . . . but I . . . I was only trying
to provide some form of . . . "
DRAKMA:
[maniacally]
"WHERE IS THAT SPIDER? HUNCHENTOOT!
HUN-CHEN-TOOT! GET OUT OF THAT NAUSEATING
LITTLE CAVE THIS INSTANT!"
[The `FORCE-LINGS' (who have
been meditating). fumble
blindly as the light come up,
lifting their ping-pong balls
so they can see what's going
on. HUNCHENTOOT stomps out of
his cave, pulling his shorts
up.]
HUNCHENTOOT:
"What de FUCK gone out here? Hey!
EARTH-dude! You got my SPIDER-PUSSY
yet?"
DURK:
"Well, uh, no . . . y'see, I been a
little busy, and . . . "
HUNCHENTOOT:
[rolling up his imaginary sleeves]
"Well, that about do it, then! I gone
hafta eat yo' ass!"
[DRAKMA steps behind HUNCHEN-
TOOT, pushing him forward.]
DRAKMA:
[in the manner of a cheerleader]
"YES! THAT'S IT! EAT IT, HUNCHENTOOT!
EAT . . . HIS ASS!"
DURK:
[hand raised in a Universal Gesture]
"Now, just HOLD ON a minute! LISTEN UP!
`Cause BELIEVE IT OR NOT . . . I got your
whole problem FIGURED OUT!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[looking him dead in the eye]
"You got my SPIDER-MAMA, muthafucker?"
DURK:
[assuredly]
"NO, I GOT SOMETHING BETTER!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[grimly amused]
"Shit! Ain't nothin' better'n no SPIDER-
PUSSY, boy! Why you lyin' t' me like
dat?"
DURK:
[benevolently]
"Look here, brother . . . would I lie to
a GIANT SPIDER, such as yourself, AT A
TIME LIKE THIS? I am TELLING YOU . . . I
GOT IT! Now, what is it that you `go
for' in a `SPIDER MAMA'?"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[drooling]
"LEGS! LEGS! Nothin' but them LEGS!
Shit . . . I jes them L-A-I-G-S!"
DURK:
"PRECISELY! That's why I'm telling you:
I GOT SOMETHING THAT MAY CHANGE YOUR
LIFE!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
"An' what might dat BE?"
DURK:
[clinically]
"Let's make a systematic analysis of what
`THE DEAL' is with you. From my own VAST
EXPERIENCE as one of the GREATEST MINDS
OF OUR TIME, I have been able to trace
the evolution and structural development
of YOUR HANG-UP as it relates to the
enormous species `SPIDER MAMA', and, let
me tell you RIGHT NOW: the trouble with
YOU, buddy, is YOU HAVE A MULTIPLE-
APPENDAGE FIXATION!"
DRAKMA:
"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, HUNCHENTOOT!"
DURK:
[unperturbed]
"NOW . . . there are TWO POSSIBLE
SOLUTIONS to YOUR SPECIAL PROBLEM . . . "
HUNCHENTOOT:
[listening intently]
"No shit? How de first one go?"
DURK:
"I'm glad you asked . . . LISTEN! There
is SOMETHING very close to us right now,
SQUIRMING . . . BREATHING HEAVILY . . .
TORMENTED BY LUSTFUL DESIRES . . . IN
DESPERATE NEED OF SOME KIND OF PERVERSE
GRATIFICATION . . . and . . . it's got
MORE LEGS THAN YOU EVER SAW BEFORE!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
"No shit? Lotta LEGS, huh?"
DURK:
[cheerfully]
"Yes in-DEEDY!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[unconvincingly shrewd]
"Within easy walkin' distance?"
DURK:
"Just a MERE FEW FEET AWAY!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[looking around for it]
"Hmmmm . . . Shit, EARTH-boy! You AW-
RIGHT!"
[HUNCHENTOOT casually unleashes
his spring-loaded dingus.]
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.)
"Why don' you jus' go on an' show dis
MANY-LEGGES FUCKIN' THING to me . . . RAT
NOW!"
DURK GESTURES IN THE DIRECTION
OF THE `EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'
AUDIENCE.
------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
THE `EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'
AUDIENCE, WITH THE HOUSE LIGHTS
UP AT HALF, SQUIRMING
UNCOMFORTABLY AT THE PROSPECT
OF HAVING TO `AMUSE' THE GIANT
SPIDER.
THE CAMERA PANS THE GROUP,
REVEALING THEM TO BE EVERY
CHARACTER IN THE BOOK SO FAR
(IN COSTUME, WITH THEIR
GUESTS).
------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
THE STAGE.
DURK:
[proudly]
"There you go, buddy . . . It's ALL
YOURS! Go ahead . . . FUCK THE `MANY-
LEGGED THING' YOU SEE BEFORE YOU!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[disappointed]
"Uh . . . look here . . . I know y'all
might MEAN well, but. dat `THING' I seen
squirmin' out dere cause me t' lose one
o' de FINEST Giant Spider HARD-ONS I ever
done sprung!"
HOUSE LIGHTS DIM AS HUNCHENTOOT
HAULS HIS `BUSINESS' BACK INTO
HIS SHORTS.
DURK:
[consoling him]
"Well, perhaps it's best! Because, by
YOUR REJECTION of this MANY-LEGGED TEMP-
TATION, a faint GLIMMER OF HOPE has ap-
peared, causing me to steadfastly believe
that your `HANG-UP' . . . can be CURED!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
"What kind o' shit you tryin' to lay on
me now, EARTH-Boy?"
DURK:
[triumphantly]
"SIMPLY THIS: With the assistance of the
Devout Membership of my NEW and EXCITING
NON-SECTARIAN UNIVERSAL WHOLE-WHEAT
RELIGION, all the SKILLS, all the
TECHNICAL KNOW-HOW . . . all the WARM,
PERSONAL CONCERN of our BENEVOLENT
FOUNDATION will be brought into FULL
FORCE, in order to RID YOU, ONCE-AND-FOR-
ALL, of the THINGS that caused YOUR HANG-
UP in the FIRST PLACE!"
Very carefully, the `FORCE-
LINGS' group themselves around
HUNCHENTOOT, waiting reverent-
ly, with bowed heads until DURK
gives the secret signal.
Without warning, they pounce on
the unsuspecting insect and
tear off all of his arms and
legs (except the real ones),
tossing them around the stage
while the orchestra plays scary
music.
DRAKMA stands near the SOFA,
aghast. THE SCENE BLACKS OUT.
LIGHTS COME UP ON NOT QUITE
CARL SAGAN, POSED LIKE ED
SULLIVAN, NEAR THE SOFA.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
"And so, with and EXHILARATING RELIGIOUS
FERVOR, the `FORCE-LINGS' come to the
assistance of the unhappy monster,
relieving him of the VERY CAUSE of his
DEEP-SEATDED EMOTIONAL PROBLEM!"
[Under cover of darkness,
HUNCHENTOOT re-garbs himself in
a mohair Pimp Suit, retaining
the spider head-gear.]
DURK:
"Well? How d'ya feel, my mean? Little
bit better, huh? Any scar tissue?"
[HUNCHENTOOT stretches and
tries out his new biped
stance.]
HUNCHENTOOT:
"Hmmmmm . . . Shit, EARTH-boy! Dis here
is AWRIGHT . . . SAY! Wait a minute!
JES' ONE LIL' MINUTE . . .I SEE SOME-
THIN' LOOKIN' GOOD TO ME! Shit! Say
now, LITTLE MISS MUFFETT! What's you
favrit' form o' recreation?"
[DURK, ignoring THE QUEEN OF
COSMIC GREED (and her PIMP),
addresses the assembled
mutants.]
DURK:
"Well. Guys `n Gals . . . WE DID IT! WE
ACTUALLY DID IT! DIDN'T WE?"
`FORCE-LINGS':
[mod-religious unison monotone]
WE SURE DID, MASTER, AND IT WAS OUTA-
SITE, AND ALSO . . . INCREDIBLY
BEAUTIFUL!
[HUNCHENTOOT has got DRAKMA
laid out on the couch already,
with his hand under her gown.]
HUNCHENTOOT:
[shouting]
"HEY! EARTH-DUDE! WHEN Y'ALL GWINE
HOME?"
DURK looks around for his watch
DURK:
"Uh . . . I . . . Tell you in a minute --
Musta dropped my watch during the BIG
CEREMONY . . . "
HUNCHENTOOT pulls his hand out
and sniffs it all the way up to
his mohair elbow, as he rises
from the SOFA and bounds nimbly
over to DURK.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[craftily]
"No shit! Mebbe I c'n he'p y'all out!
(Don' you move a pound, LONG LADY! I gone
be right back!)"
HUNCHENTOOT grabs DURK by the
shoulder and gives him a
`Bum's-Rush' to the front of
the stage, as he opens his coat
to reveal a vast assortment of
watches and jewelry.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.)
"Look here, brothuh! Look here . . .
muthafuckin' price tags still on 'em!
An' they all RUNNIN' LIKE A CHAMP!
Twenny-one JEWELS keepin' perfect time
How much bread you makin' up here?"
DURK rummages around inside
HUNCHENTOOT'S jacket as the
spider gallantly holds it open
for him.
DURK:
[intrigued]
"Say! What's this one here? A
`HARNILTON'! Precision-jeweled MOVEMENT!"
HUNCHENTOOT plucks the gleaming
`HARNILTON' away from DURK,
hypnotically dangling it back
and forth.
HUNCHENTOOT:
"An' THAT muthafucker can be YOURS . . .
to HAVE an' to HOLD . . . for a measly
ol' `TWO-HUNNA DOLLAH BILL' . . . You
makin' least dat much `roun here . . .
dis a UNION HOUSE, ain't it?"
DURK:
[glazed]
"I . . . I've never seen a . . .
`HARNILTON' . . . such as this!"
`FORCE-LINGS' #1 & #2 come to
DURK'S aid and attempt to
remove him from HUNCHENTOOT'S
evil spell.
`FORCE-LING' #1
[seriously]
"No, MASTER!"
`FORCE-LING' #2
[seriously also]
"MASTER! We must return to the EARTH!"
HUNCHENTOOT continues to dangle
the watch hypnotically.
DURK:
[entranced]
"The `HARNILTON'! I must have . . . The
`HARNILTON' . . . "
`FORCE-LING' #1
[getting upset]
"SNAP OUT OF IT, MASTER! DON'T WATCH!"
`FORCE-LING' #2
[earnestly]
"NO, MASTER! DON'T WATCH THE WATCH!"
HUNCHENTOOT, still dangling the
watch with one hand, reaches
over with his other and pokes
`FORCE-LING' #2 first in the
right eye, then in the left,
finally pulling the ping-pong
balls over both eyes in a
perfect 3-STOOGES tic-tac-toe
movement.
HUNCHENTOOT:
"Why don't y'all jes' get the fuck outa
my way, fo' you lose some EQUILIBRIUM,
boy! Dis here de world of HIGH FI-
NANCE!"
DRAKMA sleazes overtly from the
couch to HUNCHENTOOT'S side.
DRAKMA:
[sleazing]
"What's keepin' you baby? Don't you
remember your PROMISE?"
HUNCHENTOOT:
[simultaneously dangling the watch and
tweezing DRAKMA'S erogenous zones.]
"You KNOW I ain't gonna lie to YOU, baby!
I done told you I was gonna make bofe us
rich `n famous (An' YOU especially,
dahlin') . . . along wif a complete ALL
EXPENSES PAID muthafuckin' VACATION to
the PLANET of YO' CHOICE!"
DURK:
[delirious]
"THE `HARNILTON'! I must have the . . . "
HUNCHENTOOT:
" . . . An' I gone take care of ALL THAT
GOOD STUFF RAT NOW! Psst! EARTH-dude!
When y'all gwine home?"
DURK, still delirious, gropes
for the watch.
DURK:
". . . can't seem to . . . can't find my
watch . . . must've dropped it . . .
during the . . ."
HUNCHENTOOT:
[manipulating his mind]
"I b'lieve I can detect, fum yo' HIGHLY
UN-CO-ORDINATED MOVEMENTS, a flamin' de-
sire to acquire dis FINE QUALITY TIME-
PIECE I been danglin' front yo' eyes
here!"
DURK gropes blindly for the
watch.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.)
"An' it gwine be your'n in all its
GLEAMIN' GLORY . . . Not fo no TWO-hunna-
dollah bill . . . Not fo no ONE-hunna-
dollah bill . . . Not fo no FIFTY-dollah
bill, an' not fo no SPARE CHANGE NEETHUH
. . . onliest thing dis MAGNIFICENT
MUTHAFUCKER gone cost you, is a PIECE O'
YO MIND . . . an' what I MEANS, brothuh,
is when I put dis sucker in YO HAND, YOU
. . . `n ME . . . `n MY OL' LADY . . .
`long wif dem stupid-lookin' muthafuckers
over there . . . "
HUNCHENTOOT gestures with the
watch toward the `FORCE-LING'
encampment . . . DURK lunges
blindly after it.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.)
"We all GWINE be GWINE through TIME `n
SPACE . . . back to yo SILLY-ASS PLANET
an' WE ALL GONE CLEAN UP on them lame
muthafuckers down dere! NOW! GET YO ASS
READY . . . `cause y'all's gonna `THINK
US OVER', soon's I whip this little `TIME
MACHINE' on you . . . Awreet, MUTHAFUCKER
. . . YOU GOT IT NOW!"
THE STAGE GOES BERSERK WITH
COLOR-BLOBS ON THE BIG SCREEN,
FLASHING STROBES, SHRIEKING
SYNTHESIZERS, ETC.
DURK:
[still hypnotized, his mumbling
can just barely be heard over
the catastrophe around him.]
"I've got it . . . I've got it . . . GOT
IT NOW . . . THE `HARNILTON' IS . . .
MINE!"
DURK stands transfixed in a
solitary magenta spot light as
the `FORCE-LINGS', DRAKMA and
HUNCHENTOOT whirl around him,
supposedly buffered by `THE
WINDS OF TIME'
---------------------------------------------
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
SPECIAL EFFECTS EXTRAVAGANZA
depicting the `THOUGHT VOYAGE'
through `DRAKMA'S SPACE', which
will supposedly return the cast
to the `EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'
STAGE.
THE EFFECTS INCLUDES PARODIES OF
THE `2001' SOLARIZATION, MIXED
WITH THE FAKE METEOR STORM,
SUPERIMPOSED ON THE `CLOCK
ANIMATION' WITH ALLAN THE CLOWN
SELLING POPCORN.
---------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
THE DUMMY, ALMOST CARL SAGAN,
and THE PAPIER MACHE SPIDER,
with their eyes glued to the
tiny TV in his room, watching
the SPECIAL EFFECTS EXTRAVAGAN-
ZA.
---------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
CONCLUSION OF EXTRAVAGANZA,
with the `EQUIVALENT EARTH'
looming larger and larger.
---------------------------------------------
DISSOLVE TO:
NIGHT TIME IN A FUTURISTIC
SLUM, CROWDED WITH NEON
RELIGIOUS ADVERTISEMENTS, DEAD
APPLIANCES, GURGLING SPEWAGE,
AND BARNEY'S BAGGED NEIGHBORS,
each of them carrying a `Space-
Ghetto Blaster'. From these,
we presumably hear the backing
track for HUNCHENTOOT'S next
number.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[singing and dancing]
I ate a HOT DOG!
It tasted REAL GOOD!
Then I watched a movie
From HOLLYWOOD!
GRETCHEN:
[with THE EXPLODED KILLER COLLIE in tow]
I ate a HOT DOG!
It tasted REAL GOOD!
Then I watched a movie
From HOLLYWOOD!
HUNCHENTOOT:
[motioning to DRAKMA]
LITTLE MISS MUFFETT on a squat by me
Took a turn around,
I said:
"Can y'all see?"
The little strings on the GIANT SPIDER?"
The `Zipper From The Black Lagoon'?
The vents by the tanks
Where the bubbles go up,
And the FLAPS on the side of THE MOON!
The jelly `n paint on the 40 watt bulb
They use when `The Slime' droozle off!
The rumples & the wrinkles in the cardboard rock,
And the canvas of the cave is too soft!
The suits `n the hats `n the tie is TOO WIDE,
`N too SHORT for the SCIENTIST-MAN!
The Chemistry Lady with the roll-away mind
And the MONSTER just ate Japan!
--------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
MEDIUM SHOT OF KHADAFFI (we
know it's him because he's
still got that semi-swami
flower-child-of-the-desert 1960
sort of shirt on), wearing a
black leather S & M mask,
attempting to `irrigate' the
poodle-faced mutant cocktail
waitress with an enormous hose
attached to a cement truck
parked alongside the SOFA.
ALMOST & NOT QUITE SAGAN:
[reciting in unison]
Ladies and gentlemen,
`THE MONSTER',
Which the peasants in this area call "FRUNOBULAX",
(Apparently a very large POODLE DOG)
Has just been seen approaching THE POWER PLANT!
BULLETS can't stop it
ROCKETS can't stop it
We may have to use NUCLEAR FORCE!
The `FORCE-LINGS' grab bundles
of religious pamphlets, working
their way through the crowd,
collecting cash.
KHADAFFI, with the concrete-
pumping hose between his legs,
continues to `pour it on', as
FRUNOBULAX inflates grotesque-
ly.
HUNCHENTOOT:
[stimulated]
HERE COMES THAT POODLE DOG!
BIG AS A BLIMP WITH A RHINESTONE COLLAR!
SNAPPIN' OFF THE TREES,
LIKE THEY WAS BONSAI'D ORNAMENTS
ON A DRY-WOBBLE LANDSCAPE
KEEP IT AWAY! DON'T LET THE POODLE BITE ME!
WE CAN'T LET IT REPRODUCE! OH!
SOMEBODY GET OUT THE PANTS!
FRUNOBULAX, now unbelievably
large, crushes KHADAFFI into a
stinking porridge.
----------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
E.C.U. CLAY ANIMATION OF KHAD-
AFFI DEBRIS . . . his erupting
internal machinery crawls along
the asphalt like a mass of
squirming swastikas
----------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
ALMOST & NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN:
[reciting in unison]
The National Guard has formed up at the base
of THE MOUNTAIN
And is attempting to lure THE ENORMOUS POODLE
towards the cave,
Where they hope to DESTROY IT with NAPALM!
A thousand of the Troopers are now lined up,
And are calling to the monster...
BARNEY'S NEIGHBORS:
"Here FIDO! Here FIDO!"
HUNCHENTOOT:
GOT A GREAT BIG SLIMEY `THING'
GOT A GREAT BIG HEAVY `THING'
GOT A GREAT BIG POODLE `THING'
GOT A GREAT BIG HAIRY `THING'
"C'mon, everybody! Let's go!
Get the distilled water! Get the canned goods!
Get the toilet paper! You know we need it!"
BARNEY'S NEIGHBORS:
[choral harmony]
GO TO DA SHELTER!
("MY BABY, MY BABY!")
GO TO DA SHELTER!
GO TO DA SHELTER!
[DURK stumbles blindly into an
alley, still fetishing his
watch, where he is mugged by
the SUB-ATOMIC PHYSICISTS.]
HUNCHENTOOT:
LITTLE MISS MUFFETT on a squat by me,
Can ya see the little string danglin' down?
Makes the legs go WOBBLE an' the mouth FLOP SHUT
An' the HORRIBLE EYE,
HORRIBLE EYE,
HORRIBLE EYE
Go rollin' around!
Can y'see it all?
Can y'see it from here?
Can y'laugh till yer weak on yer knees?
If you can't, I'm sorry,
`Cause that's ALL I WANNA KNOW!
I need a little more CHEEPNIS, please!
`Cause that's ALL I WANNA KNOW!
I need a little more CHEEPNIS, please!
---------------------------------------------
HUNCHENTOOT gestures to
BARNEY'S NEIGHBORS, urging them
to make a purchase from the 10-
foot replica prophylactic
vending machine which has just
been lowered in from NOWHERE,
puncturing the bloated FRU-
NOBULAX. His first customer is
little JIMMY.
DRAKMA sprawls lewdly across
the SOFA, while HUNCHENTOOT
throws a switch, illuminating a
spectacular neon sign (also
from NOWHERE) which reads:
"FUCK GREED!"
Little JIMMY is the first to
try. He hands HUNCHENTOOT a
bag of blow, gives him `five',
climbs aboard the Space-Whore,
and humps her frantically, with
his sores running and his
Bozo hair tossing in SLOW MOTION
like a shampoo commercial.
The BAGGED NEIGHBORS wait in
line, ready to take their turn.
Almost unnoticed, cash in hand,
is the ALIEN.
----------------------------------------
CUT TO:
E.C.U. HUNCHENTOOT, doing
JIMMY'S blow, with wads of
hideous dime-store Rainbow-Afro
CLOWN NAP poofing out all over
him.
----------------------------------------
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Provocation, compilation and design © Vladimir Sovetov, 1994-2004 You could download, copy and redistribute this material freely as long as you keep copyright notice intact and don't make any profite on it. |